Taking a walk through hell

Posted by Cristian Livadaru on Tuesday, August 25, 2020

What do you do when the “Feelgood Indie” playlist doesn’t make you feel good? When even songs without history drag you down and send your mind down a rabbit hole, spiraling, running in circles, suffocating every possible moment of joy.If you are expecting to find an answer here, I’m sorry to disappoint you, this won’t be the place where you will find an answer.The only wise sounding words I can throw at it is

If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Going” - Winston Churchill,

read that yesterday, in a Pizzeria. Probably heard of it before, didn’t attribute it to Churchill, didn’t think too much about it … but things change, sometimes faster then you would like it and some times in a direction you don’t like.Well, here I am, still going, keeping going forward, not sure when I will reach the end of hell, when I’ll see some light. I did think I passed hell and was on my way out, turns out I seem to have confused it with some new hellfire sparking up near me. So, I’m still deep in hell, still going, still functioning, trying to keep my mind on a leash*, keeping it occupied, tasks, work, planning and buying things for the new apartment, planning for the new office, packing the old office, planing things for my daughters, trying to filter through work-related projects, new projects, existing projects, what am I going to cook for dinner tomorrow and the day after that, do I have everything I need to cook stuff in the new apartment, do I need to buy something for dinner tomorrow, wait, did I eat lunch today, oh, weather should be fine tomorrow, so playground after kindergarten, need to pack the backpack, shit, it’s 26th already, need to finish accounting, phone conferences again, training, I need to pack my training stuff, can’t forget my shower stuff this time, did I already buy blankets or was that in the one order that never reached me, …Yep, I need to keep going, I’m not out of hell yet, apparently far from it. Fuck!Am I Even going forward or did I start going backward, fuck fuck fuck.As soon as I leave my mind off the leash, it creeps up on me and starts fucking with me again, ah shit, 30deg tomorrow again?So washing machine is coming on Friday at 11, after that picking up the table for the living room and one more Ikea session, Thursday I have to move the shelf components from the temporary shed to the new apartment, move my stuff as well, lights, I need lights, lamps, ceiling thingies, plan to paint some rainbows 🌈 in the kids' room, I must merge the branch from the web development project and some tasks for completed on the other Webdesign project, that will need some checks as well, a bug in the SBC API that needs addressing oh … the new feature with the extra flag needs a task with description for the developer, need to add automated billing for the ticketing tool, did I order the thermometer?So it looks like I wrote this on the 25th of August, meanwhile it‘s the 16th of September. A lot has changed since then, furniture has been assembled and mounted, the kitchen is present and being used heavily already. No tv yet, but Apple TV is already in place so that my HomeKit works :)I can let my mind off the leash from time to time, it stopped fucking with me so often and in the past few days I could sleep, sleep through the night. That’s something this was the first time since March. Feels good, now I just need to get to bed a bit earlier.

I will either find a way or make a way - Hannibal

I‘m not there yet however, I‘m still walking through hell, but I will come out of hell, I will not let anything keep me down, I will fall flat on my face, but I will stand up, brush the dust off and keep on going until at some point I can turn around, look at the hell I just walked through, smile and then continue my walk far far away from hell. Until then, I’ll keep my mind on a leash from time to time.

trying to keep my mind on a leash

trying to keep my mind on a leash

*Apparently “mind on a leash” means being drunk, this is not what I mean. Really. * takes another sip from the wine glass *