Looking around I see a lot of friends getting married, children are on the way, everything looks fine. But there are a lot of people that don’t want kids. What could be the reason ? There is this one thing, that when you have kids, some might think their life is over, no “freedom” anymore … Then there are concerns about money, kids are expensive, well not the kids, but the products for kids. Clothes for kids are more expensive then for adults. But there is one last thing that some of us might be afraid of. What if the are problems? What if the child will be handicapped? Will you think of abortion? I think by now, if anyone reads this, there will be a lot of people thinking, oh no, abortion is bad. I agree with you. But do you know what it means to have a disabled child? That will always depend on someone to help them, what will be when you are no longer there? Do you know what it means to go from one doctor to a other and nobody really can help? Do you know what it means to go with your child from one operation to the next one, from one treatment to the next one? And what if you child one day says, “Next week I will have a operation and after this I will be able to walk like all other kids” can you look in their little eyes and tell them that this will never happen? Or look in their disappointed eyes after the operation when they will notice that nothing got better? Now, still anybody that thinks life is fair? What problems do we fight with? Oh, my iPod is to small, oh, my car is not shiny enough. All my cousin wanted was to walk … something that most of us don’t even appreciate. I have been through this, I have seen how hard my aunt and uncle tried everything for my little cousin, how every stupid idiot came up with some miracle and pulled the money out of their wallet. I don’t think I managed to capture my feelings in this blog about this subject. It has passed a long time since my little cousin died, but I will never forget that one day she said those words “I will walk like every other kid” that is all she wanted.

It’s has been quite a while since my last blog. I was quite busy since I came back from berlin. Had to finish a server, was sick, server made some problems, experimented with UCS and Scalix, started to hate stupid WindowsNT Policy files … and so on. I initially wanted to document my work on the PDC I installed and the troubles I had but having a bad cold at the same time and a lot of stress I didn’t really get to it and now it wouldn’t be any help since I forgot the most of it. So, to not get bored and maintain the stress level, I started to set up a new XEN VPS on which I installed Debian Etch, here I will move my current lcx server. There are several things that piss me of at the moment in the actual installation and I though it would be a good time to do it now and also upgrade to Debian 4.0, Apache2, PHP5, MySql5 … Well I hope I will finish it today, or at least this weekend.

Yesterday I went to the Crumpler store in Berlin to check out some photo bags. I also took my equipment with me, including my laptop to see how my stuff fits in the bag. Well, no I am a happy owner of the Crumpler Match Maker.

We all know that, but I think nobody ever thinks about what will be when the end comes. The end of a life somebody close to you, or even your own life. I have been trough this more times then I wished (not that I wished to make any of these experiences ever). But then this things make you think … how fast time has passed, how suddenly bad things can happen. Yesterday you talked with a person and the next day it’s a matter of life and death and all you can do is just sit around and wait, not knowing what you will hear when the pone rings or the doctor comes to you. Some say “Time heal all wounds” but as someone who has made this experience I can say this is not true. You will never forget! There will always be some photos, some words, some memories that will remind you and will remind you of the pain. Especially if it’s someone young, very young. I mean, I can say hey, my grandfather was 85! He has had bad times in life and good times in life, but he has lived his life. But what can I say about my little cousin that was 9? … the list can be continued, but I won’t. Before I get any stupid questions, no noting happened in my family, but in the family of someone close to me. I won’t go in to further details. This just brought up some of my personal memories, some of my wounds that haven’t been healed by time, even after almost 20 years. And no I do not want to talk about it, so no questions please.

Music has a special power, at least for me it has. There are some songs, that put you in a state of meditation, where you start thinking of all kind of things. There is also this special power of older songs, songs you have associated with some period of time, not necessary that the song was actually from that period but somehow it brings up memories from that period of time. No mater how stupid the song is, you will like it if it reminds you of something. Let’s take for instance Culture Beat, now these are songs that are kind of stupid, but hey, it reminds me of when I was a kid, school time, vacations in Romania at the country … and things like that. Times where things seemed to be better, I don’t really think that things where better but not necessarily worse, but one always kind of remembers the good things. But there still is a kind of feeling “if I could turn back time” not necessarily changing something, just to live a moment, you have in memory, once again. Things change as time passes and so do people, but music stays the same and so do the memories you have and music is that little thing that manages to bring that up again. Music can change so much, just imagine how a horror movie would be without the right music? Imagine some children song to a horror scene … would you be afraid ? But put some frightening music to a trick film, what would you feel then? ok enough about this, iTunes just switched the music to drum ’n bass and this isn’t necessarily the right music for memories, although I must say that there is some part of my life associated with dnb, hardcore, gaba, electro and some other varieties of techno.

It’s way to hot! Quite a long time ago since we had such a hot summer, I think the last one was in 2003! Anyway … what can you do on such a hot day … go for a swim and lay in the sun. I’m not really a fan of laying in the sun but if there is a pool, than it’s ok for me. My sister had the idea to go to the new “Badeschiff” (Bath ship or something like this). It’s a ship on the danube which has been transformed to a pool and there is also a second part where you can lay in the sun and also have a bar. Well all this sounds to good to be true for Vienna and I must admit I would not go a second time. The pool is ok, but everything else is so packed full, you feel like anchovies in the can, that’s not mine, but one could also sit at the bar, there at least you have shadow and don’t get a mad headache like I did. Well it’s worth visiting